The Do Me List (Who Can Do You? Who Can’t?)

Arctic terns traverse a regular and lengthy migratory path each year, traveling from the Arctic to the Antarctic. However, arctic terns typically do not travel a direct route on their journey; they tend to wander off on numerous side “flights.”

Bird is currently engaged in a necessary and important flight (preparation for and defense of her masters’ thesis) and thus must abandon blogging activities until this crucial flight pattern is completed. Until she returns to her relatively regular migratory path, she leaves all who come calling with this “do me list,” compiled by the most brilliant female minds of her time (consequently, there may be contradictory items on the list). Bird invites all (male and female of all sexual persuasions) to join in and contribute to this list.

Disclaimer: Bird neither agrees nor disagrees with any of the items on this list, nor with any items added via comments. No monitoring of these comments will occur. Objectionable comments will not be filtered. Anonymous responses are encouraged for those too inhibited to reveal themselves. Read and respond at your own risk. No apologies are made for objectionable content or for the assault on anyone’s aesthetic or sexual/sensual values.

The List

Harrison Ford can never, ever do me, no matter what he says, no matter what he does.

Clint Eastwood as the Pale Rider can, but Dirty Harry can’t touch me, nor Eastwood the director; and Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby with the Steve Erkel pants doesn’t stand a chance.

Matthew McCaughney can’t do me, but I might let him warm me up for someone else and then he can watch.

Probe can do me in a New York second. And I look forward to what he could probably teach me at such a young age.

George Clooney can do me once and then one more time.

Matthew McCaughney can do me as long as he keeps his mouth shut. No talking allowed, groaning maybe.

Tom Cruise can’t do with or without his mouth open.

Mark Harmon can do me as soon as I stop giggling.

I may never stop giggling, so Mark Harmon just better do me now. But only if he lets me call him “Jethro.”

Derek Jeeter can do me and I’ll even have his babies too!

Benito Santiago can get to all the bases with me anytime he wants. And I’ll do him on his knees; I’ll do him anyway he wants. Benito has that look – he knows a thing or two, been around the block. Oh Benito, teach me, baby, teach me.

Heath Ledger as Pat Verona from 10 Things I Hate About You can do me – if I can get over the age difference. Heath Ledger as Ennis Delmar can do me, and I’ll even let him do me the way he does Jack Twist.

Jack Twist – oh, how I wish could do me, but you wouldn’t anyways, would you? But Jake Gyllenhaal might. Oh Jake, cast your eyes on me babe.

Yeah, Johnny Cash can do me in Jackson, or maybe even in Folsum, except June would be pissed and she’s too fine a person to cross.

Bad boy Mick Jagger can start me up anytime. Ohh baby!

Au contraire! Once upon a time Mick Jagger could do me, no questions asked, no negotiations – anytime, anywhere. And I would have done him on command and in the public square. Alas, since viewing his flappy, old lady-winged excuses for triceps at the Super Bowl…ok, it’s Mick, after all and he can still do me and I’ll do him but only in the dark.

Jimmy Smitts can do me. And though I’ll giggle and blush and want to close my eyes, I won’t.

If I was younger, and Sophie Loren were younger, I’d do her in a hot second.

But I will never, ever do Jennifer Aniston, despite her buff biceps and triceps and the strong, clean line of her jaw.

Pierce Brosnan is sexy and handsome, yet lacks a certain intangible, indescribable quality – so he can’t do me.

But Rene Russo can do me all night long and on any staircase.

Clark Gable can do me, even with the mustache. Cary Grant as John Robie the Cat can do me. Ah hell, Cary Grant can do me as Cary Grant. In fact, I’ll even beg.

Bono can do me with his sunglasses on.

Brad Pitt can’t touch me, call me, drive down my street, nor whisper my name, but he can dream.

I might let Will Smith do me, but I fear I might laugh too much at his ears.

Oh, be still my beating heart, Esai Morales can do me, and do me, and do me. Oh! Oh! Oh! Do me now, Esai! Do me now!

Frank Sinatra and Fred Astaire better keep their skinny shanks away from me, but Dean Martin can do me, as long as he sings before and after.

Fred Astaire can dance his way into my heart and then Gene Kelly with his fabulous thighs can do me like he is singing in the rain.

Kevin Costner from Field of Dreams, Tin Cup, and maybe from the Bodyguard can do me, but after that, he’d better not even call.

William Jefferson Clinton can do me and he can smoke a cigar after. I’ll have one too.

Bob Dole and his damn Viagra best stay away from me.

Oh yeah, honey, John Edwards can do me backstage behind any Opportunity Rocks event.

Anthony Hopkins can do me, but he will have to wait his turn.....sometime after Christopher Plummer, adieu, adieu, adieu.

John Wayne can do me. He’ll be charming in a rich-rancher, quite-cowboy kind-of-way and know exactly how fast and how slow to go and when. And he won’t talk too much either.

Toby Siegler on the West Wing (played by Richard Schiff) can do me too – because he’s quirky, intelligent, witty, and plays a mean game of basketball even though he’s short. Besides, he has a nicely trimmed beard.

Anthony Hopkins could have done me 10 years ago. But Christopher Plummer still can.

Denzel Washington is too arrogant, Sydney Poitier too elegant (oh, but a girl can dream), Jaime Foxx too insecure, but Wesley Snipes can do me and do me and do me and he can video tape it too.

Jet Li can do me, and he can do me before anyone else. And he can do me again and again. And he can spend the night too.

Bruce Lee and Jason Lee can do me and I want to trace the fine arch of their eyebrows over and over again before I do them (individually, of course).

Jon Stewart can do me because even though he has such a smart wit, he is sweet and adorable and has the cutest dimple.