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Bird's Blog

Poetry, musings, observations, commentary, rants, confessions...and who knows what else!

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Location: San Francisco Bay Area

Teacher, writer, poet, grandmother, lover, wine-drinker, chocolate eater, beach comber, hiker, traveler, Giants fan, San Franciscan. All work on this blog is copyrighted material.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Do Me List (Who Can Do You? Who Can’t?)

Arctic terns traverse a regular and lengthy migratory path each year, traveling from the Arctic to the Antarctic. However, arctic terns typically do not travel a direct route on their journey; they tend to wander off on numerous side “flights.”

Bird is currently engaged in a necessary and important flight (preparation for and defense of her masters’ thesis) and thus must abandon blogging activities until this crucial flight pattern is completed. Until she returns to her relatively regular migratory path, she leaves all who come calling with this “do me list,” compiled by the most brilliant female minds of her time (consequently, there may be contradictory items on the list). Bird invites all (male and female of all sexual persuasions) to join in and contribute to this list.

Disclaimer: Bird neither agrees nor disagrees with any of the items on this list, nor with any items added via comments. No monitoring of these comments will occur. Objectionable comments will not be filtered. Anonymous responses are encouraged for those too inhibited to reveal themselves. Read and respond at your own risk. No apologies are made for objectionable content or for the assault on anyone’s aesthetic or sexual/sensual values.

The List

Harrison Ford can never, ever do me, no matter what he says, no matter what he does.

Clint Eastwood as the Pale Rider can, but Dirty Harry can’t touch me, nor Eastwood the director; and Eastwood in Million Dollar Baby with the Steve Erkel pants doesn’t stand a chance.

Matthew McCaughney can’t do me, but I might let him warm me up for someone else and then he can watch.

Probe can do me in a New York second. And I look forward to what he could probably teach me at such a young age.

George Clooney can do me once and then one more time.

Matthew McCaughney can do me as long as he keeps his mouth shut. No talking allowed, groaning maybe.

Tom Cruise can’t do with or without his mouth open.

Mark Harmon can do me as soon as I stop giggling.

I may never stop giggling, so Mark Harmon just better do me now. But only if he lets me call him “Jethro.”

Derek Jeeter can do me and I’ll even have his babies too!

Benito Santiago can get to all the bases with me anytime he wants. And I’ll do him on his knees; I’ll do him anyway he wants. Benito has that look – he knows a thing or two, been around the block. Oh Benito, teach me, baby, teach me.

Heath Ledger as Pat Verona from 10 Things I Hate About You can do me – if I can get over the age difference. Heath Ledger as Ennis Delmar can do me, and I’ll even let him do me the way he does Jack Twist.

Jack Twist – oh, how I wish could do me, but you wouldn’t anyways, would you? But Jake Gyllenhaal might. Oh Jake, cast your eyes on me babe.

Yeah, Johnny Cash can do me in Jackson, or maybe even in Folsum, except June would be pissed and she’s too fine a person to cross.

Bad boy Mick Jagger can start me up anytime. Ohh baby!

Au contraire! Once upon a time Mick Jagger could do me, no questions asked, no negotiations – anytime, anywhere. And I would have done him on command and in the public square. Alas, since viewing his flappy, old lady-winged excuses for triceps at the Super Bowl…ok, it’s Mick, after all and he can still do me and I’ll do him but only in the dark.

Jimmy Smitts can do me. And though I’ll giggle and blush and want to close my eyes, I won’t.

If I was younger, and Sophie Loren were younger, I’d do her in a hot second.

But I will never, ever do Jennifer Aniston, despite her buff biceps and triceps and the strong, clean line of her jaw.

Pierce Brosnan is sexy and handsome, yet lacks a certain intangible, indescribable quality – so he can’t do me.

But Rene Russo can do me all night long and on any staircase.

Clark Gable can do me, even with the mustache. Cary Grant as John Robie the Cat can do me. Ah hell, Cary Grant can do me as Cary Grant. In fact, I’ll even beg.

Bono can do me with his sunglasses on.

Brad Pitt can’t touch me, call me, drive down my street, nor whisper my name, but he can dream.

I might let Will Smith do me, but I fear I might laugh too much at his ears.

Oh, be still my beating heart, Esai Morales can do me, and do me, and do me. Oh! Oh! Oh! Do me now, Esai! Do me now!

Frank Sinatra and Fred Astaire better keep their skinny shanks away from me, but Dean Martin can do me, as long as he sings before and after.

Fred Astaire can dance his way into my heart and then Gene Kelly with his fabulous thighs can do me like he is singing in the rain.

Kevin Costner from Field of Dreams, Tin Cup, and maybe from the Bodyguard can do me, but after that, he’d better not even call.

William Jefferson Clinton can do me and he can smoke a cigar after. I’ll have one too.

Bob Dole and his damn Viagra best stay away from me.

Oh yeah, honey, John Edwards can do me backstage behind any Opportunity Rocks event.

Anthony Hopkins can do me, but he will have to wait his turn.....sometime after Christopher Plummer, adieu, adieu, adieu.

John Wayne can do me. He’ll be charming in a rich-rancher, quite-cowboy kind-of-way and know exactly how fast and how slow to go and when. And he won’t talk too much either.

Toby Siegler on the West Wing (played by Richard Schiff) can do me too – because he’s quirky, intelligent, witty, and plays a mean game of basketball even though he’s short. Besides, he has a nicely trimmed beard.

Anthony Hopkins could have done me 10 years ago. But Christopher Plummer still can.

Denzel Washington is too arrogant, Sydney Poitier too elegant (oh, but a girl can dream), Jaime Foxx too insecure, but Wesley Snipes can do me and do me and do me and he can video tape it too.

Jet Li can do me, and he can do me before anyone else. And he can do me again and again. And he can spend the night too.

Bruce Lee and Jason Lee can do me and I want to trace the fine arch of their eyebrows over and over again before I do them (individually, of course).

Jon Stewart can do me because even though he has such a smart wit, he is sweet and adorable and has the cutest dimple.

25 Comments:

Blogger Pete Bogs said...

Here’s my list… first names only, so as to protect the guilty…

Naomi W.
Scarlett J.
Kate W.
Charlize T.
Sienna M.
Renee Z.
Julianne M.
Nicole K.
Sela W.
Marg H. (as part of a mother-daughter team with Scarlett J, as see in “In Good Company”)


good luck on your Master's!

February 13, 2006 7:46 AM  
Blogger K9 said...

het vermijden van het werk! sipping on a screen maak pressure for motivate! from the tower of ivories i did escape. do not delay. i am solidarity with you.

for me only thorshond seed will accept in rose staart.
cinema honds, never!

February 13, 2006 8:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the list is lacking in literary "do me's"

john steinbeck - do me on the beach in Monterrey, or in the lettuce fields outside King City

shakespeare - do me like you did gyneth paltrow

david eggers -do me and talk pretty while you're doing me.

galway kinnel - do me and then write some poetry right after.

February 13, 2006 10:59 AM  
Blogger ffff said...

Good luck in completing your masters, Bird. Bet you fly through it!
Apart from my husband:
Johnny Depp whenever, wherever, however etc.( esp as Jack Sparrow.)
George Gershwin.
John Clark ( Australian writer and satirist)
Ernie Dingo
Jamie Cullum
k d lang

February 13, 2006 4:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's an island in the South Pacific FULL of terns. Not too long ago a boat smuggling marijuana dumped it's load when they saw the National Guard coming up on them.. and fast. Well, the smugglers still got busted and the pot washed up on this island. All these poor birds started eating the parcels until they couldn't move (apparently the effect of this stuff... heh) But I guess, in retrospect, we should never leave a tern unstoned.

And I'd do anyone with a twinkie and a diet coke....

February 13, 2006 6:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I suck my cheeks in deep, will you do me? (face cheeks that is.)

February 14, 2006 12:15 AM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

I forgot one "doer:"

Jessica A.

as far as "don'ts" I would say:

Pam Anderson - not into silicon, bleach, or Hepatitis... I admire her work for PETA, though...

Julia Roberts - why does anyone like this woman for anything?

pretty much anyone phony, stuck-up, or with too much "work" done...

February 14, 2006 6:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nicole Kidman, anytime, anywhere, anyway.

February 14, 2006 11:23 AM  
Blogger Jack K. said...

Does this have something to do with your Master's thesis? What an interesting way to gather data.

February 14, 2006 11:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jack:
Yes, Bird's thesis is on the do-me fantasies of college freshpersons and how they are able (and unable) to construct themselves as both academics and sexual beings with irrational and irrelevent fantasies in what is to many an entirely new discourse community with imposing conventions.

Bird's advisory committee suggested she collect data on this topic from a nonacademic venue, in order to compare and norm the data she has collected from the sacred halls of higher institutions.

Quite frankly, I think it's a lot of academic hogwash and further perpeptuates the notion of the "academic elite," but Bird somehow views it as important and critical to her long-term flight path. I must say, however, I enjoy watching her beat her wings and beak against the glass plane of her thesis - quite amusing. She sometimes staggers off rather befuddled from such self-agression. Alas, she'll be done shortly and I will have to abandon this coop before feathers fly (we don't get along all that well).

Sincerely,
Common Tern
(Bird's little sister -Mom always liked Bird best - hence she is an exotic arctic tern and I only a lowly common one.)

February 15, 2006 8:40 AM  
Blogger JAK said...

Not-so-common tern :-) thanks for the response. Having been through some of the same academic hogwash, I can agree with you. The academic elitism is most amusing, and so unnecessary. I guess if you don't have self-importance you don't have much. On the other hand, having passed that milepost on life's journey a person can feel very satisfied with the accomplishment. As for me, I'm still in process for a PhD. Probably will remain in process for the rest of this life lesson. Perhaps the next time around I will complete it.

Mom always liked me best too. That is why my younger brother lives with her now. Does the term sparks and gasoline mean anything to you? That's them.

My to do list is still a fantasy checklist I keep in my head. Everything I would like to do, not just everyone, is kept there. I don't need to make it public. I know, it's cowardly. What can I say?

Serve well! Live fully! Do good works!

February 15, 2006 10:30 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Glad I ran across your blog, I like birds & hate Bush! LOL!

February 15, 2006 7:14 PM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

Bush... now there's an important criteria in the "To Do" list... what? oh please! I was talking about whether or not the other person supports President Bush... c'mon, people!

February 16, 2006 8:43 AM  
Blogger Mr Q said...

No particular order and in Bogs tradition.

Mariah C.
Jessica A.
Kristanna drives me loken (every hour)
Asia C.
Halle B.
Beyonce K.
Kelly R. and whole other bunch of BBW*.
Arquette Sis.
Denise R.
Jenifer T.
Jenniffer L.
Jennnifffer L. H.
Scarlet J.


Jeez, I need my own database to keep going, so instead i'll put some physical characteristics.

- Dark Hair (Blondes welcome too)
- A Bumper that can sustain a 70 mph crash
No KIAs or FORDs
- Front headlights, low beam is fine.
- Radial Tires ok, No Bicycle tires.
- All Paint colors are beautiful.
- And the front grill has to be:

Different
Interesting
Eye catcher but not too much

Don't want BMW, MBs, Jags, Fords, Kias, Toyotas
More Like VWs, Audis, Bentleys, Hyundays,
Mazdas...

What in the hell was I talking about?

February 16, 2006 11:33 AM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

I definitely prefer them to roll out a red carpet for me...

February 17, 2006 6:38 AM  
Blogger K9 said...

i wish for you goed luck to defense of idea on monday. go vogel!

(hallo Alison BBB)

February 18, 2006 8:14 AM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

Bird, there's a bird-related post on my blog today... check it out after your test or whatever... cheers

February 20, 2006 7:10 AM  
Blogger infinitesimal said...

Bird:

John Wayne was gay..... but you could get him to change teams I bet.

My list?

Lawrence Fishbourne
Kevin Spacey
A younger Bob Dinero
Ethan that dark haired hottie who won that one Survivor
MMMmmmmmmmm Ethan.... (drools)

I also want to tag-team it with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.... or whoever she is f**king at the time.

There was a time when i was hot for Bill Maher... but that time has sadly passed....

Bird, VB posted some funny pictures for your enjoyment.

Oh yeah,
I would rock the socks offa Adrian Brody.

February 21, 2006 4:56 AM  
Blogger K9 said...

now you can maak new post! gelukwensen on you goed thesis presenting. i send over derek jeter now for beloning.

February 21, 2006 6:00 AM  
Blogger Bird said...

freya-
ya - a new post - though this one seems to cook along quite well on its own, eh?

looking forward to derek's visit- danke shane (sp) dahling!

February 21, 2006 6:34 AM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

Bird - birds are no longer in danger over at my blog... polar bears are... come by if you feel safe about it...

February 21, 2006 7:15 AM  
Blogger infinitesimal said...

Republicans can NOT do me!
GW Bush can never ever ever do me, even if he switched political parties.
Jon Tesh CANNOT do me or even look at me.


However, Marines? Marines have a clear shot at being "done"

February 21, 2006 8:25 AM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

LMAO! I once had a girlfriend who, when we were discussing our "histories," told me straight out - "I've never f*cked a Republican..." you gotta love that, though she was a bit uneven... I think I may have gone GOP once or twice, but never again...

February 22, 2006 7:26 AM  
Blogger Pete Bogs said...

Infini - there's a photo of Angelina Jolie you might like in the new Vanity Fair... fyi

February 22, 2006 4:38 PM  
Blogger Lady Lux said...

"do me?"..as in..."do me??"..as in the "do me...do me?"...as in what I think "do me"...means?...

I know this sounds crazy..just wanted to know if my idea of the "do me" is what I think it means....coz' if it is...then i don't have a longlist..but i have a pretty clear idea who "they" would be...no sense...writing them down though..entirely unknown...anyway...i had fun thinking it up...

February 26, 2006 6:49 AM  

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